Captain 5 versus the man with one beard

It was a cold night, on a small island. It was in the middle of his voyage from China to France. He was taking the secret Eastern passage through the mountains of Talleux. At first he was afraid at the port he found, for it was in a country he had never heard of. However, as soon as he came ashore he found that there was a bar, and the bar served only the finest kinds of Whiskey and Rum in all of the Eastern passage. So then, he did what any captain would do. He began to drink the drinks, and sit on the seats. He did not talk to anyone, for he was a little shy, and couldn't speak the local languages of the country that he had not heard of.

In the corner of his eye, he saw a girl in a red dress. She was fucking hot. Their eyes met, and then the girl turned away in disgust. He was not so hot. Some would say ugly, and I'm sure that the girl in the red would have been on of the said "some". For, this captain, he had a deformaty of sorts. It's something that no mother would ever wish on their son (or daughter). He was born with only one beard, and therefore wherever he went he was shunned by the ladies, and laughed at by the men. The only solace he had was drinking, and doing his job the best that he could.

His job was his life, and his job was on the Eastern passage between China and France. He was a messanger between the two countries, and they were in a bit of a tiff trading back and forth insults. China thought France was a stupid country, and France thought China wasn't the smartest knife in the drawer. It was the man with one beard's job to take letter's, and navigate through the Eastern Passage, and present them to the other country. He had been doing it for years, and it was what he was. The voyage two 3 weeks from China to France, and 5 months from France to China. The winds would never agree with any man sailing from France to China, and it was always a test of endurance, skill, and manlymanness.

So, the man, the man with one beard, he was drinking. The woman in the red dress was talking to her friends about how ugly the man with one beard was, and then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, coming from the door, a man appeared.

This was no ordinary man, for he was a captain among captains. A boy among men. A fish among plankton. He had battled in the Indian wars, and singlehandedly won the Crimean wars. He had ran away from the Brazialian wars, but only to come back while everyone was sleeping and show them who's captain.

He didn't have a name, and he wasn't ugly like the man with one beard. He had a number, and that's all he needed. He was Captain 5, and he was one fucking rad captain.

He walked in to the bar, and said:

"GIMME A DRINK!"

The bartender was shocked, for he did not know English. So he said:

"SKad;slgjla;kla;dsjg"

The Captain was used to this, so he made his drinking gesture, which involved an imaginary class, an imaginary bottle, an imaginary friend, and an imaginary fistfight. It appeared to be universal. People from all over could understand. The Captain wanted to get fucking drunk.

Captain 5 got his drink. It was grade F Grog. He would have to drink it within 10 minutes, or else it would destrot the mug that it was in. He turned around and saw that ugly motherfucker. The man with one beard. Captain 5 played with his beard, and then decided to go over, and talk to the sorry son of a bitch.

"Hey matey! Drinking's rad, wouldn't you say?"

The man with one beard didn't reply to this. The man with one beard took drinking very seriously, and thought that it shouldn't be a social thing; for that would be girlly, and the man with one beard was very insecure about his sexuality.

"I see, you're a deafman! That's ok! I understand!"

Captain 5 proceeded to take a seat at the table where the man with one beard was sitting, and the man with one beard eyed him strangley. There was another thing Captain 5 didn't know. Because the man with one beard was so fucking ugly for only having one beard, he hadn't talked in years, and it had become a bit of a mental block for him. Captain 5 didn't have mental blocks. He was a real captain.

Luckily, because Captain 5 had traversed many seas, and seen many lands, and breathed in many airs, he could use his gestures to say anything he wanted. As our narrator, I'll translate these gestures into words:

"Fuck that girl in the red dress eh? You know what I'm saying? You go over and talk to her?"

The man with one beard understood this, and was getting a little sad on the inside. He usually doesn't like to think about the fact that he's so fucking ugly for only having one beard. However, because he thought if he was sad people might think he was gay (remember, he's insecure about that sort of thing), he had to create a facade. He pretended to be angry. He began to speak:


"UGasdlfkjals;dfjkl;asdjf"

The man with one beard hadn't spoken in a long time, and his tongue was still a little fucked, but he tried again/

"Your mother's a whore!"

It came out perfectly that time, and Captain 5 was not impressed. Captain 5's mother's name was Sylvia. She was half-Bulgarian half- Chilean. She had been on tough times before the captain was born, and may've had to do a few things fucking prudes would call "whorish". Captain 5 could understand her situation, but others... others were just so mean.

Captain 5 said in his heartiest, manliest, scariest voice.

"I'll fucking cut you!"

and then, it happened. The man with one beard pranced up, and tackled Captain 5. Captain 5's fists were flowing before his feet hit the ground. The intensity and the passion of the moment took over him and the fire in his eyes was telling him what to do: destroy the fucker with one beard. The man with one beard was a strong fucker though. Because of his insecurity, he did a lot of situps and pushups while at sea to make sure he was strong and could beat up anyone that called him gay, but he lacked the passion that Captain 5 had.

Captain 5 started doing what appeared to be a jig, and then out of nowhere got a few lefts onto the man with one beard's face, but the man with one beard would have none of it. One beardo started windmilling and yelling things in a language he created on his own time because he was such a lonely fucker.

"AWE;LJA;LEFKJALFJ"

"AWERHATEGKLH"

The fight waged one. The woman with the red dress didn't watch, but left, because she had to work early the next day. The next day, she would not be wearing that red dress. Eventually, Captain 5 grabbed his grade F grog and through it in the man with one beard's face. The man with one beard screamed in agony and his beard slowly melted away. There was no scarring.

Captain 5 ran into his ship, which was at the dock a few minutes away if you ran like fucking hell. At the bar, the man who used to have one beard was screaming like this:

"aer;kjfsda

lkfjlasdjf!!!!!!"

He then looked in the reflection of the mirror on the ceiling, and was shocked with what he saw.

He became fucking handsome.