Captain 5 meet the legendary hero

Rolandia was his hometown. Not the the Rolandia washed away by months of non-stop rain, but the town that used to be the capital of an ancient empire. An empire that the world today forgets, or had never known about, thus making forgetting impossible, or mu if you will.

Rolandia is fairly unknown to the world outside its walls, but its very well known inside its walls. It lies deep within the Ural mountains, in a territory that didn't even know Russia came to town, let alone the scores of asshole Tsars and dickhead commisars (a communist would hate the idea of capitalisation, and lets be respectful). It lies in the valleys, surrounded by forrests. How it could've been the capital of an ancient empire is anyone's guess, but those inside the walls knew its proud history.

In this village, in a year not so long ago (ok, we'll cut the bullshit, it was 17 years ago), a young woman appeared at the gates of the village out of a menacing snowstorm. In her arms was a bunch of sheets that were quite dirty and smelly, and inside those sheets was a dirty and smelly baby. The sentrymen saw her coming from a distance and called the village elder (the descendent of the man to stabbed the last emperor in the back). As he was away calling the elder, the woman died, but when they came back, they found the baby still alive. After many hours of rigourous debate, they decided to keep the baby (the winning argument was from a little girl not much cuter than you are, she said that she can't wait to get older and disregard human life, and that was a kick in the pants to the elder.)

A man by the name of Zynxion took him in, and raised him as if he was his own. Zynxion had no wife, and it was assumed to be because of his lame name change he did on his 25th birthday. Zynxion was a virgin, pure like the snow, and dumb like the trees. He decided to name the child Pynxion, but the village elder called him a fucking moron, and decreed that his name would be from the ancient texts of their people from times even before the empire when they lived in a far off land, and heard of the prophecies and legacies of one man coming to light out of the dark (one woman mentioned how snow wasn't exactly the darkest thing in the world, and really creates a cuddly white atmosphere, especially when you're all wrapped up in bed and have smoked a few bowls, but this didn't go with the ancient prophecy the elder was babbling on about. Honestly, no one believed him.) into the village of hopes and dreams. His name would be Mithras, and Zynxion would raise him to be the legendary hero to save the world.

Now, yes, this was a bit overambitious, considering the mighty Rolandians in their small town of Rolandia in the deepest darkest anal regions of the Ural mountains have been quite the isolationists; however, this was supposed to change with Mithras. Before his duty as the legendary hero, he would be the legendary scout, and see what the world had around him.

On Mithras's 15th birthday, he was given some gold pieces, a shield made out of scales and a pen and paper, he was told to see the world and write what he saw. His journey in the mountains was perilous, and led him to many far away countries. He went to the fabled southlands in the Crimean wasteland, and the even further southlands of the Iraqi deserts, and the northlands of the Swedish rivers, and the eastlands of the Jewish states. He went everywhere, and wrote what he saw. He learned languages that I don't even know exist, and he innocently flirted with women, not knowing that they really wanted to sleep with him really fucking badly.

When he came back, he gave a speech to his fellow Rolandians. It was glorious. Really fucking glorious. It was the kind of speech you wish someone wrote down so that it could inspire generations to come. At the end of the speech, all the Rolandians were yelling "MITHRAS! MITHRAS!" in a cheer for the legendary scout, and soon to be legendary hero. The men were jealous of his adventurous spirit, and the women were jealous of his adventurous spirit. Some wanted to be him, others wanted to fuck him, and others wanted to make sweet passionate love to him, and then cuddle afterwards.

It was time for Mithras's second journey though; it was time for his journey as the Legendary Hero out to save the world from the evils that it had. He would start in the fabled land of Tortugal. It was a land of wenches and pirates and ninjas and kittens. He heard on his journey as the Legendary scout that it would be a good place to start being a legendary hero, and so that is where he started.

As he was walking with his scale shield, and newly bought copper sword, he tripped over what appeared to be a log on the road.

"OUCH!" he said. Loudly, and legendary-ily. His voice had the innocence of a virgin (as he honestly was a bit dense and didn't realize the not-so-subtle hints concerning his chances to explore a whole new sexual world), and the strength of a legendary hero (as he was a legendary hero.)

Suddenly, the log moved. Mithras jumped back and said "WOAH THERE!"
He knew not to draw his sword. He was smarter than that. He had only bought it to impress the ladies. He was getting very horny and really wanted to impress girls somehow. He really lacked self-confidence with them.

The log turned out to not be a log at all. It was something much more handsome. Beside it was the remains of a fire pit, and the plastic wrappings of Yves spicy veggie dogs. There were no hot dog bun bags in sight. The figure was mad. The figure had a very strange shirt on under his overcoat, and it had the number 5 on it. Suddenly, after much swinging and swaying, the figure spoke:

"Do you like dancing?"

The legendary hero did like dancing. "Yes! I do! Can you fox-trot?"

"Can I ever! You wanna do a little foxtrotting?"

The legendary hero thought long and hard. He was really in a hurry. The elder had said he must go start his journey to save the world, and if this hidious looking creature was any example of the world, the world really needed saving. However, he didn't get to practice his fox-trot very often, and if he practiced it with a boy he wouldn't get all nervous. And so, he fox-trotted for a few hours on the road to Tintagal (or wherever the fuck he was going. I don't really care to be honest, fuck him. He's not Captain 5.)

After they finished, they figure spoke:

"Hey kid, what's your name?"

"Mithras! I am the legendary hero!"

"Yeah, and I'm the fucking Prince of Padinton Bear! I love make believe!"

Mithras was confused, but thought he should repeat what he said again, but in different words.

"I am, the one who is supposed to save the world."

"Ha! And I'm the one who's supposed to save the Prince of Padinton Bear! Listen kid. I understand all this bullshit of your generation. You play all your stupid fucked up video games, and think that you'll save the world by yourself in some stupid ultra-alienated individual bullshit solo adventure. The people who really save the world are the ones that let go of their ego and join the human race as a community to work as a team to do what society and morality would dictate while playing an active role in shaping society and morality). If you want to save the world, you could do something like that."

The person the Legendary Hero was talking to obvious was drunk as fuck. He was making no sense whatsoever, and probably had no idea what Legendary heros were all about. The Legendary Hero stood there in silence thinking about how Captain 5 just didn't get it for quite a while, and Captain 5 was getting bored.

"Alright, fuck this, I tried to help and now you're getting all fucking spacy on me. I bet you're fucking stoned, aren't you? And you didn't even offer to have a session with me. Alright, fuck this. I'm out."

As Captain 5 walked away, he was mumbling to himself.

"fucking kids and their fucking bullshit and their fucking not smoking weed with me and their fucking "ohhh.. I can do it alllll.. I'm super fucking rad!.. fucking little more shit for brains shithead who fucking...."

and so on and so forth.

The Legendary Hero continued on with his legendary journey. He would get stabbed in New York City ten years in the future, and no one in the ancient village of Rolandia would never ever know....

...

"fucker could fox-trot like nothing-fucking else though..."