Captain 5 ponders life

Captain. Captain 5. I'm Captain 5. My life. I have a life. It's a little intense. What do I do? I rock out? Yes. I get drunk? Yes. I do captain things? Yes. Do I find love? Well, I have, but now.... oh it's a lonely sea tonight.

Captain 5 was alone in his vessel. The wind was down and he was in the middle of the fabled seas of the south-east. He had time. He decided that for this journey he didn't need a crew, so he happened to be all alone. He didn't bring any alcohol this time because his mom said he had a drinking problem, and while he definitely did not, he promised his mom to not bring any alcohol on this journey, and he wasn't the kind of Captain to lie to his mother. He was far above that.

It was the same ship he had used for many years. It's name was the Flea, named after his favourite poem. Many men and women laughed at him for the name, but he loved it, and cherished it, and got really wasted on it. Ladies would come aboard sometimes, and other times men would come aboard. No one knew what they did, but the Captain did keep quite a few board games hidden away, it was well known.

The Captain was pondering some of his adventures. He remembered them as if they were in the distant past. There was the time where he met the man that was horribly ugly in almost every way there is to be ugly, but manly because he had one beard. The Captain, he hadn't cared though. He knows what it's like to be ugly as all fucking hell, and he treated him like a true matey and said true matey things like:

"AHOY THERE!"

and

"WUDDAYA SAY WE GET FUCKING WASTED!"

The man with one beard just got all angry though. The Captain didn't know why. He assumed he was a loser who had lost his PSone memory card so he couldn't play FF7 and think of new and interesting ways to raise Aeris (which RAISE is an anagram of) back from the dead. He knew the man with one beard cried when she died. He knew it so hard.

It was a good fight they had. The Captain hadn't fought like that since the time he got his ass kicked in Canada. That kid was a strong, mean fucker. The Captain won't forget him. Neither will the Captain's left nut, wherever it may be.

I got really drunk. That was always good times. Yeah. I remember when I fought that guy. And I told that girl I loved her. Did I love her? Hmmm... What is love? Can a Captain really love? Can a Captain drink? Yes. How about sail the seas in style? Ofcourse! Maybe I should stick to the easy questions. All this love mumbo jumbo seems to be a little difficult. Like that time in the Amazonia region of death! That was amazing! That woman.... she was so beautiful. So refined. Her voice has left an imprint onto my heart. Those soft soothing words of vulnerability and trust:

"I WILL CUT YOU MOTHER FUCKER!"

"I EAT PIECES OF SHIT LIKE YOU FOR BRUNCH!"

I ever read her my favourite poem. I asked her to show me the ways to life. She must've known though. She must've known that we just wouldn't be right for each other. What would her parents say? Marrying a Captain and all. Where would we settle down? In the region of death? I wouldn't want to live there! It's no place to raise a child. We'd have to settle down on the seas where a man is a captain, and a woman is rad, and a son is the first mate, and the daughter... well... she could also be the first mate. Maybe we could each have our own ship and sail away into the sunset. Or maybe...

The Captain was getting lost in happy happy thoughts of simpler times. Time when we wasn't marooned at sea because of a lack of wind. Times when he wasn't really old and tired and wet (oh right, it had been raining too... lots of rain.) Hopefully the wind will pick up soon, is what the Captain should be thinking, but who knows what the Captain ever really is thinking? Not even God from heaven above...

I really wish the wind would pick up soon. I really want to complete my mission. I've been in the South-East sea for too long. I really need to get to the South sea. I wish I could get fucking drunk. That always helps with my ganmen. I could really use some now. I'm all jittery. There isn't even anyone to play board games with! I had just bought the German version of Ticket to Ride aswell! Imagine making a train from Berlin to Stuttgart! Or from Denmark to Austria, going all the way through Germany! Now that'd be fun.

I remember one of the other times I needed ganmen. But oh fuckity fuck did I have it. There was lots of whiskey in that whole. Why was I put in that jail cell again? Fuck if I remember. Something about that revolution for freedom, liberty and reduced tuition fees. It didn't matter when I was in there though. That was a fucking party. I was singing fucking rad Pavement songs and dancing a bit and just really fucking rocking out to the max. That was awesome!

"BAM!"

"BAM! BAM! BAM!"

The Captain has felt too much passion, and now is making the sound "BAM!" to let it all out. It's not something the Captain does very often, but when the passion really comes over him there's no stopping him. He has to feel the energy and feel the flow of the motherfucking passion: Captain 5 style.

"BAM!"

"BAM!"

"BLOODFIST!"

Captain 5 was getting drunk off memories of good times and the passion. He didn't need alcohol today. He was Captain 5. The dancing has started now. He was doing what was called the "Whalley shuffle", a dance that never caught on, but the Captain still kept the dance alive. The dance was more of a challenge than a dance. It was a "hey, you there! can you dance? I mean can you fucking dance? so what? Can you do the Whalley shuffle? Let's shuffle!" There were no dance steps to the Whalley shuffle. The dance was to move every limb of your body at the same time and attempt to not fall over. Captain 5 had been doing it for years, and was pretty good at it. He was yelling "BAM!" and dancing the Whalley shuffle; everything was getting knocked over in his intense fit of passion. Eventually, he got tired.

Fuck, I'm tired! That was good times though. I really felt the intensity. Fuck, I should sleep now.