Captain 5 in the Amazon

It was green out. Very green. The trees were green. The grass was green. The river, the river was blue. But blue and green can be quite similar as all green is is blue with a dash of yellow, and with the massive amounts of green, the blue really complemented it, and made it a factual statement that it was very green out.

Captain 5 had done something that no captain would ever admit. He couldn't believe it, and actually, he didn't even admit it to himself, or to his crew. However, I will let the secret go, if you promise to not tell the captain...

The Captain was lost.

He was supposed to be going to the underwater Castle of Spaintugal, but something really got fucked somewhere. He was on a giant river. He assumed it was the mouth of heaven, and he had always heard Spaintugal was a very nice place, so perhaps it would be close to heaven? It was a good try, and Captain 5 would do it all over again in a second. He was that kind of captain.

It was a scary river though. The fish looked as if they wanted to eat the captain, and the captain looked as if he wanted to eat the fish. The jungles had mysterious topless women in them looking like they wanted to kill the captain, but the captain didn't want to kill them. You see, the captain is a little old fashioned (his father was quite chivalrous), and he only liked reading poetry to women, and if in 6 months time they became quite close, the holding of hands would be ok.

But the captain wasn't thinking about this! He was thinking about how fucked he was, and how the king of Spaintugal would want his head. He had to do something. He had to think of a good bullshit excuse for what was going on.

But before he could, a woman flew through the sky (presumably from a tree, but it looked like it was from the sky) and onto the boat and said

"VAJWAH! I will fucking cut you!"

but the Captain was not scared. Nor were his crew. The Captain had never fought a woman before, but he thought he knew how to do it:

"Marke but this flea, and marke in this,
How little that which thou deny'st me is;
Me it suck'd first, and now sucks thee,
And in this flea our two bloods mingled bee;
Confesse it, this cannot be said..."

But before he could finish reciting his favourite poem, the strong (yet feminine, cute and powerful aren't mutually exclusive you know) woman powered up her attack and charged at him!

The Captain didn't know what to do! He panicked! He screamed! But then, within him he felt the power of divinity and the power to defend himself and the power to attack the wicked Amazonian who was trying to cut him like a madwoman.

He drew his sword! He said

"stand back! fair woman! none of this today!"

But the woman had said something again,

"Do you know where you are? This isn't the land of fake pleasantries! You're in Amazonia motherfucker! We eat people like you for brunch!"

The Captain was aghast. No fake pleasentries? Did they not read poetry for courting? What did they do? He knew no one was looking. He forgot to feed his crew, and they had probably died (plus he never cleaned the tank), so he did what was in his heart:

"Oh princess of the Amazon. Keyholder of my heart. Please. Teach me your ways. You are strong, yet cute. Kind, but bloodlusting. Will you show me the way to true happiness?"

The words were surprising the Captain himself. He was amazed. He was one sly motherfucker. But he didn't care about that. He wanted to learn the ways of this unknown woman who just wanted to cut him.

"Listen Captain 5! Yes, we know your name. We've heard your poetry! Get out of our river! Get out of our jungle! Leave your ship. It is ours now! I won't teach you a thing! You suck! If you're not out of here in 2 hours, I will call my strong (but gentle) friends, and we will eat you alive!"

The Captain was now scared and confused, but mostly in love. However, he was lucky that his head was currently stronger than his heart (and dinky), so he jumped off his ship that he had had for so many months. He got to the riverbed of the river. And he ran. He ran. Fuck he ran fast.

He kept on going. Never once looking back. He ran to a day non-stop. He ran until he came to a village at the boarder of the frontier and Spaintugal. He must've looked silly. He was a Captain without a ship. A man without a heart. His love ached terribly for the woman he barely knew, and he'll always remember her sweet tender words...

"I'll cut you...."


"I'll cut you...."